Friday 8 May 2015

Negative Thoughts of Fear

Sometimes we get so used to negative thoughts that can run through our minds. The crazy thing about the mind is that our thoughts can and do, effect our feelings. For years I struggled under the weight of fear. My issue with fear was complex. I grew up in an abusive home, a wealthy yet broken home. Where I would stand with a glass against my ear and listen against the wall to hear if my parents were arguing about me again. The thing about emotional abuse is that one person in the house is always blamed for everything - it's called scapegoating. Sadly, I was the scapegoat. This kind of daily living caused fear to form deep within my spirit. It became something I lived along side and events happened in my life in such a way that fear never left my side.

Until about 3 years ago. My body and my soul had had enough of the weight of fear and the post traumatic stress of carrying almost thirty years of fear around, so I burnt out and faced brokenness. From then on God began to nurse me back to health, in many ways.
I had to face my body bag of fear. 

Romans 7:24 
Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

Sometimes people can and often do spiritualise certain things. I was sincerely told by someone to rebuke the spirit of fear everytime I felt anxious. Oddly enough when I felt anxiety coming on, no level of rebuking left me feeling better, in fact it only produced more anxiety within me because it wasnt working. Until God stopped me and told me to quieten my thoughts and look within. When I looked in to my heart I saw that the fear and anxiety I was facing were not from a spirit of fear, rather they were from painful wounds and painful memories. I studied Psychology for ten years right up to Masters level and within the pages of my studies I discovered an amazing truth that I live with everyday. That truth is quite simply that - the human being is complex. We are deep people, with reservoirs of love and pain. We have the ability to sacrifice ourselves for people we dont know, we have the ability to love beyond ourselves. We are the only species on earth that cries with tears from our eyes and we are the only thing on this entire planet that reveals the Beauty of an unfathomable God. The fear I carried around with me, was complex and God walked with me in to the brokenness of it step by tiny loving step. I realised that I needed perfect love to take away my fear. 

1 John 4:17
 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. 

I will be honest and sincere in saying that I have come a long way and I am so so so thankful for the Love of my Saviour. Yet, I still walk my path. I still have to reject the lies that so often can come back up. The lies that tell me I am a failure or that I can't do it. From a psychological perspective memories and emotions get burnt in to the mind or the thought pattern, that is why often certain memories can come up because its like a photograph taken by the mind. That is why when a certain lie comes up, you and I have to choose to reject it and not believe it, because its a lie you dont have to fear it. This process takes time and I have learned on the battlefield. I have also learned that I am no longer a victim, to anything. For years I was a victim of abusive and I fought at every possible turn, against the abuse that surrounded me. Today I am no longer a victim. I am a child of God. Yes, for years I said it but had not received it. Today, I have learned (and continue to learn) about my inheritance as a Child of a King, who is a Beloved Father.

Romans 8:15
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

There are many more things that I am learning and healing is a process and a journey. The evil father that continually stood over me in my mind, was a figure of the trauma I had walked through. From my earliest years of serving Yeshua I never knew that many of my actions were driven by the fear of being rejected by Him. In my mind there was always a school principal just waiting to chastise me for innocent mistakes or messes. Today, that school principal has no right in my mind, yet I still do battle in this place, he still pitches up  when I have messed up but the Love of Father has grown brighter in my mind. It comes out like the sun casting its light upon the dark shadows. I still have to choose to run in to the warmth of the Light and not stop going. Rest has helped me heal. True Rest in the arms of a Beloved King. The reality of the ceasing of striving....

Psalm 131: 2
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
    I am like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child I am content. 

Psalm 46:10
 Cease striving and know that I am God;

I share these things becase they are reminders to me, the reminder of where I am and how tightly God has me. I share these things to remind myself that I am a baby in His arms and He has me wrapped up tightly in His blanket of Love. I share these things because we are all on a journey and sometimes God just wants us to be vulnerable with some places of our hearts even if thats hard to do. And it is! May God bless you as you walk your journey, whatever it may look like and may you knwo that God loves you so much, He will never let you go!
Have a blessed weekend beloved and may the God of peace surround you both now and forever! 


  1. We are neighbors on Holley Gerth's blog. Thanks for sharing your story. I pray that those who have a similar past may find blessing and encouragement in your words.

  2. Ah yes... that pesky fear! I have battled him a time or two (thousand) myself! I love the visual of being His child, wrapped in His blanket of Love! So glad we are neighbors over at Jennifer's place for #TellHisStory!

  3. It is a journey, isn't it?! One that I'm so glad God travels beside us as He brings us to that place of brokenness and surrender - that place of healing. Thank you for sharing your heart and encouragement. Blessed to be your neighbor at #tellhisstory.