A Scary Sharing

This year I shared about a dream that God birthed in to a great reality. I signed a book contract with a big publishing house and finally knew what it felt like to be signed with a big publishing company. Through the experience I learned and grew and felt grateful. But all has not been rosy. Writing a book for me is not about the page numbers or the ink, it’s about the message God has placed in my heart, that is why I write. To share the message. 

During the editing process this year however, I came face to face with the stark truth. The publishing editor is uninterested in the message I have to share with women. Plastic surgery was performed on my work. I have worked as a journalist for 6 years now and have written for big magazines and newspapers but nothing prepared me for what I faced when I saw someone rip in to my message. Work, even great work has to be edited – it was not the editing that affected me, but something far deeper, something I could not put my finger on. So when I submitted my second book, I saw again a deep dislike of my message, even though the editor is interested in publishing it.

Sadly, I worked with an amazing editorial assistant but she resigned abruptly this year and left the company, which meant that I fell in to the hands of one of the company editors. While the first assistant was kind and caring, I am now facing someone who breaks down my ideas and seems to dislike the message of empowerment for women that I have to share.

So when I got my second book back, with rude comments and harsh words, I prayed again at the intense feelings I felt within my belly. That was when God started speaking to me, the Good Father comforted me. I am a non – conformer, my parents have a saying they use for me almost my entire life – “then came Aliyah.” They say it affectionately and tenderly, it means that I am different, there is no one like me, I understand myself and I live in a town all my own. MY uniqueness and individuality has been something that has made me who I am and it is something God has nurtured me in. Throughout my life many people haven’t liked me because I don’t conform, and because I don’t need outside approval for inward things. I only need Yeshua’s approval. That does not make me arrogant or crazy, it just means I am a free spirit, with a deep heart of compassion. I love people and want to share His Love with them but in the way that I am. 

 

When I began to be unable to look at my own work anymore with love, I knew something was wrong. And that’s what started to happen. The words I had loved, the sentences I had admired and the love I felt for my own work all began to pain instead of joy. It was then that I knew, they were trying to make me something I am not and the biggest part of me was paining – my spirit knew the truth before my mind has fully comprehended it. Even as I write these words I am shedding tears. I also pained this all in silence because I thought that no one else would understand, that people would call me spoilt or ungrateful. But I am just the opposite and I don’t want to suffer alone in the silence anymore. 

This week I have picked up my book again and I love it. I hold my main character to my heart with great tears and know that she is amazing. She has a story to share with me and with many others and she in unique, a non – conformer as all my female characters are. They cannot be anything else because I was not fashioned to share them as anything else. I have decided inwardly that I don’t want to work with someone who cannot see the beauty in my story. I don’t want to work with someone who hates the God message inside of me because they are defiled and unsaved. I don’t want to work where the darkness wants to choke the light and snuff all goodness from the soil. I don’t want to work where I am barely able to recognise the sword God has placed in my hand. This year I was given a clear word of confirmation about my writing. A vision someone saw of me holding a lance, a spear – a weapon to be used against the enemy. The lance looked like a pen, it was my writing. It is a weapon and I am learning how to use it. My pen is being broken down because the enemy is using the openness in others to try and snuff out the danger to his kingdom and I simply won’t allow it to be so. I know God opened the door for my first book to be published with this company and I fought so bravely to protect my work. I am excited for its release in 6 months’ time but I have also now learned that I won’t settle. I won’t be deceived by the enemy and I won’t allow what is unclean to defile what I have been given, its holy, its sacred and it was birthed from the spirit place in me, where God dwells. I pray for the courage and encouragement to forge ahead bravely just like Joshua did in a land of strangers and foreigners!

God I pray for the strength to face my journey, with courage and with eyes to see a bigger vision. A bigger, wider open space. I pray for the strength to know that victory is certain and that there is a beautiful oasis waiting in what has seemed like a wilderness. I pray for peace and for release in Yeshua’s Name. And Thank You that You’re a Good Good Father. I love You. 


This song has really been used by God to minister to me in this time, I pray you will take a listen!